In the beginning and The Beginning

I remember standing outside the back gate of the post housing complex. Susan and Sarah and I were getting ready to get on the bus to go to the Fall Dance at American High School on Yongsan Army Base in Seoul, Korea. They were smoking. They had been smoking. Cool. I thought it looked cool. My mom and dads had all smoked. So I took a drag. And 31+ years later - I'm going to start living my life like I should have back then - and never take another drag.

{TL;DR - I have successfully quit smoking and escaped the evil cigarettes.  This is a blog entry about the month surrounding my epiphany.}

I've missed a couple of posts about the smoking coach and my doctor's visits. I'll try to catch up here. I was put on the Lexapro but it didn't agree with me and it scared me so I quit taking it Friday December 9th. I was as angry as a hornet Sunday morning. But by Sunday night I felt good and normal. I went to the doctor's Monday morning.  We came up with a plan to use nicotine replacement therapy. Right before I left the office she mentioned hypnosis. I said I'd actually tried a DVD and an app but obviously neither were 100% successful. All day today though I've been wondering if maybe they weren't a little successful. I don't smoke as much as I used to. I never smoke two in a row. A couple years ago I couldn't say that. Anyways, I left the office and added patches to my Amazon cart. Then I called the doctor's name she gave me. I spoke to her and was very excited and feeling positive about making the appointment THAT VERY WEEK. My only drawback was trying to do it closer to Christmas but I'm actually so excited and to be able to do it this week is PERFECT!  I don't need to wait until Christmas!  So I took the patches out of my cart and tomorrow I will go for my first session with Dr. Jennifer. I am beyond excited. To know that I may be done with cigarettes forever at lunch time on Thursday is awesome. I have been telling myself not to hype it up too much though. Because non-smokers are definitely different than smokers and I'm praying that I don't ever have to deal with the anxiety and stress and crap that I have let myself deal with all these years. I am looking for peace in this final quit. When I become a nonsmoker on Thursday I want it to be different.  I want my life to be better.  I want it to be noticeably better.  I think it will be but even if it's not, I still don't ever have to smoke again and that is the best part of it all!!!  I am praying that all of this has happened in God's perfect timing.  I'm so excited!!!  I am tired though honestly and I don't treat my body as good as I should.  I will though!  This is the first step.  I think my body and mind are trying to wear me down/act up a little bit but that's okay.  Christmas day I'll be okay.  I would also like to note that I am so excited to get a coat for Christmas and never smoke in it.  It will NEVER stink like cigarettes and more so than that - that my daughter wrote out a Christmas list asking for toys and crossed through everything and said please just let my mommy quit smoking - that's beyond heaven.  I am so blessed and I am so grateful for this opportunity.

Sooooo did I succesfully quit that Thursday???  Yes, and No.  I actually stayed quit until Friday evening.  In retrospect I know why, but at the time the excuses were "I'm just not ready", "I can't drink a beer and stay quit, and it's Friday, and I REALLY WANT A BEER", "I'm too busy right now, I'll quit on Christmas Eve as originally planned".  Hmpf!

It's fine though, because I am quit now, and that it all that matters!  Praise God and my friends and prayer prayers.  😃

Monday following that Friday, I immediately bought patches, lots of patches, 62 to be exact.  HA!  I also got smokeless cigarettes, and even some smoke free spray stuff for under my tongue.  I was a soldier with all the ammunition I could ever need.  And it worked.  I smoked on Christmas, and even the day after Christmas, but that was it.  I listened to Allan Carr's EasyWay to quit smoking the whole day.  At 1227am on 12.27 (you know I love that!!!) I smoked my last cigarette!

I slept almost the entire next/same day, and then because of my schedule I headed back to work the day after.  I was doing okay.  Then I went home.  I was anxious.  Upsettingly anxious.  I gave everyone a head's up that my anxiety was raising.  Well they didn't listen.  So I screamed at them (not Joseph, he was at a friend's).  I screamed so loud and so much that I thought my throat was bleeding.  I left.  I got in the car and the worst thoughts ran through my mind.  Let the lame excuses roll.  "See, I can't handle life without smoking."  "Smoking is my only friend/dependable thing."  "I may as well be dead, if I can't smoke."  "Life is just not worth living without cigarettes."  "I'm a horrible person/mother/wife/friend BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH

ENOUGH!

I smoked.  Two cigarettes.  I went home.  I apologized. I said I was embarrassed and ashamed.  I meant it.  I could not treat the people I loved most in the world like that, ever again, and I was never going to smoke another cigarette, and hurt myself, as long as the Good Lord allowed me to live.  I put on a patch (Step Two Habitrol 14 mg Nicotine Patch), and the beginning of MY life began.

No happy ending here yet though.  MY life, it seems has quite a bit of baggage.  Even though "Smoky Vic" was only smoking an average of 7-8 a day (with a many days of only 4-5), SHE SMOKED ALL THE DAMN TIME.  She smoked when she got up.  She smoked before she went to sleep.  She smoked before she did anything, cook, clean, shower, open Christmas presents, eat dinner, go to the store, have a meeting at work, you name it, she smoked before she did it.  And guess what?  (My littles' favorite 3 word phrase currently, but I digress.)  SHE SMOKED AFTER SHE DID ALL THOSE THINGS TOO.  She also smoked when she was happy, got good news, was mad, was sad, was depressed, was anxious, was excited.  If there was a feeling to be had, Smoky Vic smoked because of it, to deal with it, ugghhhhh, you get the idea.  Well, actually, you probably don't.  I didn't.  But I believe I learned it, in a Walmart, on a Monday around noon, through the voice of my Savior.

"At 11am I was sure I was going to smoke again, and for good. I wouldn't even text Jamie or anyone because they might talk me out of it. I was so upset and was in tears. But I didn't! Thank you God, Wild Bill's jerky, and Minute Maid Lemonade! They helped me realize that I never need to smoke again, because "IT'S JUST A TRIGGER"! THANK YOU GOD FOR HELPING ME REALIZE IT! AND THANK YOU PRAYER PRAYERS FOR KEEPING ME OUT OF THAT 7-ELEVEN! PRAISE GOD I AM HEALED AND FREE! "  my diary entry for January 2, 2017 in my smokefreeapp.com app

To expand on that entry, I was sad.  I was depressed.  I was feeling total dispair.  It started with upsetting thoughts of two of my children.  It worsened with the thought/anxiety of shopping at WalMart.  That irritation was elevated significantly by the dog, the bird, my clothes, my shoes, pretty much everything I heard, saw, or smelt that morning.  I was sliding down a very slippery slope.  FAST.  Then, after the miracle of my favorite jerky being available, and my blood sugar raising to the point I could hear my Lord's voice, He told me "It is just a trigger, my child."  The fog cleared and a bell went off.  IT. IS. JUST. A. TRIGGER.  I could see everything so clearly now.  I was obsessing over smoking because one after another TRIGGER was happening, and I "wasn't allowed to smoke", which was basically catapulting myself onto that SUPER slippery slope to cigaretteville.

I knew I had to retrain my brain, and I knew that people said that triggers may cause cravings forever, but it just never clicked.  And now I get it.  It still takes some mental work, if you will, but not much at all.  My littles love minecraft and have been saying "Hater alert" and "Hacker alert" for some time now.  Well now when I feel that feeling - And for the record it's nothing like hunger for me.  It's anger, torment, agitation, etc.  And whenever I feel it I just say "Trigger alert".  And it's gone.  The craving anyways.  I'm never smoking another cigarette again.  Now when I say "Trigger alert" I just solve the problem at hand or release the triggering feelings to God.  Here's a perfect example.  I like to drink a beer or maybe two on a Friday or Saturday evening.  I didn't have any New Year's Eve because I was scared to.  What if it ruined my quit?  What if I lost all my will power because of the drink?  BS!  This weekend I may feel the desire to drink a beer, and if I do, I will simply say "Trigger alert" and realize no smoking for me.  Just because I'm having a beer DOES NOT require me to have a cigarette.  I drank an orange sugary drink when I was pregnant and didn't have a cigarette, so why must I have one with a beer?  It's just a drink.  Honestly, my drink of choice has always been Coke.  Caffeine free Coke, actually, for the past 4 or 5 years.  And I used to drink them constantly.  Now I can barely drink one a day.  I use it for the sugar (because that is another HUGE part of the quit that I didn't really touch on - low blood sugar=tough quit and obsessive destructive thoughts).  I now take a CFCoke with me in the morning.  Do I think about smoking a cigarette when driving in a car and drinking it????  You bet your sweet arse I do!  But it's just a thought, moreover, it's a "Trigger Alert" and it's gone in a split second.  Every time, everywhere I have a "Trigger Alert" I am retraining my brain.  It'll take years.  I know that.  And it doesn't bother me in the least.  I will say that my hormonal schedule is what is honestly my biggest upcoming fear conquest???  Once I have successfully, quickly, and efficiently conquered (with God's help, of course) maybe four months of cycles, I will be done.  I will let my guard down and I will live life in complete and total peace.  I will never ever put another cigarette in my mouth though.  Not once, not ever. Pinky promise!  😙

The above entry was compiled over the past month.  I have not publicly announced my quit (read: posted to fb).  I have texted my main peeps, and keep them aware of my progress.  Not sure how I will use this page from here on out.  Maybe just to post my milestones or write about significant triggers.  

If you are still here, and still reading May God Bless You and Keep You Safe. 😇  

20161201 Lots of snoring noises

I am soooooo tired - I could fall asleep sitting up RIGHT NOW at my desk!  This is such torture.  It takes me sooooo long to complete a task. I had restless legs earlier and it looks like going on a walk (2x around the block) helped.  I have taken my vitamins today, eaten some breakfast, smoked two cigarettes (last one at 730am), drank a cup of hot cocoa, and nothing is helping.  Hmmmm, is this from the lack of nicotine?  Or the medicine?  when the doc's office calls I should probably ask.

Fast forward four or five hours and I'm feeling pretty decent, well as far as tired goes.  Other than that I have eaten way too much, thought almost constantly about going for a break, my feet are irritating the crap out of me with too much socks making the boots too tight.  And my neck is still pretty sore.  I did find an alan carr video to watch. And loaded up jason vale's app.

20161115 11am smoking coach - session 1

She mentioned Chantix and that you have to take it right in order for it to work/keep you from smoking

could take welbutrin for anxiety

she asked me to call my doctor

best rate of recovery is coaching + medication

- possible solution to use chantix and low dose NRT

- say no I don't need to feel anxious right now "wellbutrin"

- reduce intake to 10 per day this week

think about things that are important to me that will improve with smoking cessation - examples:  money, smell, health

smoking = addiction + habit

reward

intentional exercise REALLY HELPS - same pleasure response as smoking

TO DO:
1.  think about how to incorporate exercise 2x week
2.  Talk to doc about meds
3.  Be very focused on pushing off smokes as long as possible.  Keep a log.  "I don't need this right now."  What am I feeling right now?
4.  BE AWARE of patterns

next call 11am on Nov 22nd

#

Worked very hard to take the break in the middle of things instead of when I finish or before I start something . 

#5

I had a couple of thoughts of smoking since the last one, but pushed those thoughts off. I think this one is more of a transition cigarette.

#4

Smoking coach asked me to:

1. stay very mindful of my smoking

2.  push back each smoke

3.  no more smoking in the car

I personally added:

4.  push back 1st smoke of the day by 15 minutes

Next call is December 1st @8am ET

20161116 1010am Craving

got some packages at work and after opening everything and setting it all up, I feel like going to smoke, but I am not going to.  Was also able to successfully to sign up for 12 week lozenge plan on smokefreehabits.com

20161116 830a T-2 weeks? Here we go again

Having a craving, mostly because it's time to do it. it's only been an hour and 20 since my last smoke.

UPDATE:  When checking on this post, I read through some older quits HOLY $H!T - that was ugly.  I'm not quit right now - just logging the smokes I smoke.  Bought lots of lozenges, made an appointment for next Monday with my doc to ask for medication, spoke with a healthier me smoke free counselor yesterday - first time for that.  My friend at work quit smoking on Saturday at Noon.

Ehhh. Probably should listen to the SOS

#QuitNow! Since Jun 19, 2016:
0 days smoke free,
9 down,
$1.96 and 00:52 saved!

20160620 Monday 420p My Smoke Free Progress Android v1.1.3

Savings so far:  $1.88
Yearly savings:  $900
Hours smoke free: 18.19
Life regained (hours): 4.35
Cigarettes not smoked: 7.63
Cravings resisted: 0

www.smokefreeapp.com
#smokefreeapp #smokefree

so this is how we roll....now

I have actually paid for this lovely app twice.  I was able to reload it just now with out payment.  Unfortunately all the records from my previous TWENTY-FIVE DAY QUIT ARE GONE.  Oh well - no matter.  That was that, and this is this/it/the grande finale!  WOOHOO!!!!  With every previous quit I learned a thing or few, and I'm done.  I let go of my last cigarette at 945pm last night, and NEVER, EVER have to worry with another damn cigarette for the rest of my life.  Praise God and Jason Vale.  =)

I'm happy, smiling, not a hermit crab - took the children to their dentist, ran errands, not eating us out of house and home.  Okay well people who are planning to never smoke again, shouldn't bake lemon cake and brownies THE. DAY. BE. FORE. Duh.  I seriously have been pretty reserved today, thank goodness.  I now know that there is imperceptible pain when nicotine leaves the body.  I honestly haven't even had a strong urge - no SOS for me yet - anyways.  Two tiny little naps though.  15 minutes each.  They really helped my super heavy eyelids.  I have been poisoning myself for over 31 years.  I think it's okay if I rest a little.  For the record - I am not depressed - I pity smokers now - they are going to lose their lives for an illusion.  :(  I am also not on the high end of a bi-polar attack.  I am just happy that I never, ever have to smoke a cigarette again.  I can if I want to - but ummm - no, thank you - I'm good.  I will not always feel this happy - and that's cool - because days are filled with up and down and in the middle moments, and I'm more than happy for that.

Now to figure out why I have daggone bubbles in the pool again.  Grrrr Mondays!  HAHAHHAHA

oh my goodness - almost forgot - last night as soon as I quit I told the children we should CELEBRATE!  "Brownies for everyone!", I said.  HA!  It was the most delicious celebration ever!

Thursday, April 14th *Day 24

I'm losing my mind.  I am meaner and sadder than I can ever remember.  I want to stay quit and yet I want to smoke.  I cannot handle this.  I wonder if maybe I should see someone about the anger management, and then focus on quitting.  I don't want to hurt anything, anyone or myself.  I am bawling my eyes out and I have prayed to God, and I just have to wonder if THIS is where he's trying to lead me.  I have had this problem a lot and I think smoking made it manageable, but now it's a daily occurrence.  And I don't want to live like this anymore.

Monday, April 11th *Day 21

FIVE HUNDRED FIFTEEN HOURS SMOKE FREE

Amazing.  (My thoughts as I enter the 19th hour of my next quit.) BUT - these are notes I found and as sad as they are, I'm going to post them here for reference.

BAD
freaking out
sad
crying
just want to be normal again
researching depression
can barely work

GOOD
proud of quit time
proud of NLD - don't smoke ever again
proud of times I go outside

I just cannot figure out what to do - PTA stuff/want to go get smokes and start over again but then I'm upset with myself to smoke and see anybody - guilt - UUGGHHHH - next time I don't want to tell ANYONE!  WHY?  makes it easier to relapse - Okay so I am a bitch on a quit.  I'm a bitch when I smoke.  Something is wrong with me.  At least when I'm smoking, I get two weeks energy then 2 weeks of blah.  Been quit for 3 weeks and NOTHING.  I'm worthless.  Okay let's go to that tree they are killing me - really want to move!  Oh but that's scary.  Right now I have a decent house, and decent schools, and family around, if need be.  I want to have a clean, pretty house but it's falling to shit because I don't........

......no clue where I was going on that one - freaking out about upcoming meetings AND STILL want to be quit

Day 1 Tuesday March 22nd *20 hours

feeling terrible, sick to my stomach, sore throat, you know the probably-going-to-die-soon-may-as-well-smoke sickness.

lost/losing it with children and bird - broke toys and chair

tired - kinda want to sleep alone and want a backrub too

Day 1 Tuesday March 22nd *17 hours

I am half tired, half dizzy/foggy brained. My lunch was two pieces of cinnamon toast.  I tried to drink some orange juice, but it did not taste good. I also had a bunch of chips and some goldfish.  I finished my caffeine free coke from this morning, and took ginseng, vitamin, and ginkgo biloba.  I can't find my PMS stuff I had.

I finally came upstairs to make my calls. Ate a sucrets, then a luden's, then chewed gum and ate sucky candies, repeat.

It felt like time was standing still. I had the hardest time focusing on my calls. But then again, during a couple different moments, I had complete clarity.

And then the hammer fell, on the lady at the bank.  She was nice, but angered and scared my inner child. I chewed her up and spat her out. It was not pretty.

If my husband and dear friend are correct, I should feel better come May Day.  Until then I'll just yell my maydays here or on fb.  And I'll probably wait until then to close the safe deposit box, for both our sakes.

@4pm I took my PMS stuff - 30 minutes later - feel pretty good - a little tired but good over all - even came outside in the warm sunshine to type this.

Please also note my shoulders are so tight and shrugged - I've intentionally released them 20+ times today.

Day 1 Tuesday March 22nd *12 hours

woke up - came downstairs and sat down at the table - chewed 8 pieces of gum over the course of four and a half hours - got out of the chair at 11:30 make cinnamon toast - almost burnt first batch - have been reading fb and commented on a dozen posts

20160202 11am = you do the math

No, I'm no longer excited about my quit. Why? I don't know. Maybe because part of me just wants to be a smoker again. Some times, on my terms though, and without the hacking cough. Ugghhhh. Sitting outside a 7-11. Watching the smokers. It's so embarrassing. I know they don't want to suffer from that next withdrawal. And here I am as close to free as I can get, and I am still debating going in to buy a pack.  My appointment's in 9 minutes. Plenty of time. The struggle is real.  I want to but I don't want to, and no, I'm not gonna just buy a pack, just in case. Then I might smoke just for the lame reason of well I have them right here. If I am going to blow this quit wide open, there's gonna be a valid reason, that's for sure. Yes, I think about it a good amount, but I wouldn't even say a lot.  And I smoked for 30+ years. It might just take a while. 

20160201 Almost 5pm = Day 4 STILL

Long day - really, really, really need to have something to do or use as my transition to work - something I can use throughout the day, too.  The 4 drags I took this morning are seriously unacceptable as well is the munching of beef jerky (actually okay), three types of party mix, chocolate candy bars - no no no.  Homework tonight is to make sure NONE of that happens again.  It's gonna be 9pm Thursday before I get to "this morning" again - GRRRRR MONDAYS

20160201 10a = 3.5 days Snap! =(

I hope I didn't just mess up really bad.  I'm second guessing myself - was I able to make it all weekend because I knew this morning was coming - Joe asleep and the littles back in school.  I even told then - I can't wait to get you on the bus so I can come back here and smoke a cigarette before I start work.  I don't even know if I was craving it or what.  I have had some uncomfortable feelings, but I think they are just hunger pains, and definitely nothing that was smoke-worthy.  But I did it - I lit the damn cigarette. and stood there for a minute just holding it - I wanted it to make me violently ill.  I knew it wouldn't, and I knew the taste wouldn't be gross - if fact I have to say I really enjoy that taste - the first cigarette taste - so four drags later and I couldn't taste it.  So I poured my caffeine free coke on the cigarette and threw it away.  I was dizzy and then I immediately got a headache.  Piece of crap cigarette.  I cannot I believe I gave up 80 hours for that.  Not horrific enough to keep me from ever taking another drag - yet just poisonous enough to keep me from taking back up they NASTY addiction. Well I pretty much drank 30 ounces of water to try and flush those 4 drags out.  The nicer weather is making it difficult to remember that I don't want to ever smoke again.  God help me, and forgive me.

20160131 130p = Day 3 harder than I thought

Feeling sick to my stomach, like I'm either hungry or gonna puke. Fun. Took shower. Took nap. Ate a little bit.  I think some subliminal plans are being made. Getting nervous about tonight and tomorrow. Both should be a breeze.  Must stay vigilant!

I'm choosing to never smoke again PERIOD And I am happier for it. Not at this exact moment, but on the whole.

20160131 9a = 60 hours and money in the bank

Since 28. January 2016: 2 days 12 hours smoke free, 25 cigarettes non-smoked, $6.27 saved and 0 product(s) achieved.

And I even moved $5 over to a savings account, for two days worth of quitting.

Having hundreds of passing thoughts of smoking, but easily dismissed. Thankful for no obsessing thoughts. 

I honestly think the catalyst has been that I haven't given the 'little monster' even a smidgen of hope. Every thought I have is met with. No, that's stupid. I don't smoke.

It's truly freeing though. Because I can do anything I want to now. Amazing.  Besides just field trips, I can jump on a plane. Rent a house. Go to an amusement park. Get a hotel room. I AM FREE.  I AM FREE. I AM FLIPPING FREE!

I am so thankful for this. I must never get overconfident though. As long as I never consider smoking again, I will enjoy this beautiful freedom forever!

20160130 1p = 40 hours Meh

I did the taxes so yeah and I am pretty sure I've had a couple more words with Joe than usual but other than that  - it's been going well - definitely trying to have cravings and definitely a hostage situation going on in there - but I just say "buzz off" to the thoughts most of the time and get on with my nicotine free life.  I went out to breakfast and to the library twice.  I think I am a lot worse off when I stay in my head - like it's really not that bad and neither am I but the 'little monster' keeps me trapped with these horrible thoughts - and that just ain't how it is - so like EVERYONE says - gotta keep myself busy or sleep - either one's fine - just do not get left alone in this brain just yet - too scary.

20160130 830am = 35.5 hours and I feel good - really good!

I thought about it for a long time before getting out of bed - hours even - and sometimes I didn't think I was going to do it - but I did!  I sat up in the bed and got up and got the dog and started to go to the bathroom.  Then I fussed at JJD a little for letting the dog free-roam, but he quickly got him down the stairs and out the door, with no accidents.  I kept to myself as I let out the bird, but I quickly realized that my interactions with the children and dog were kind - and that made me happy.  I am thankful to have put so much distance between the nicotine and me.  And I am going to have a good and productive day!  I think.  Scratch that - I believe!

20160129 849p = 1 day (and THE longest hour of my life)

Spent most of it crying or in the shower. Almost talked myself out of quitting a couple times. This is tough. I need to sleep if anything just to put some more time under my belt. Godspeed tomorrow.

20150129 8pm = 23 hours and I'm going to bed

I'm sure I'll get better at this, but for tonight Joe is here and can get the children to bed. All I seem to be doing is trying to get on people's nerves, so it's probably for the best. Maybe I'll take a shower first to relax.

20160129 4pm = 19 hours

So I had a snack shortly after the last post - more cookies, milk and this time, some caramel chocolate bars - two of them.

I'm done with my calls for the days but I am avoiding Joe - the little monster is trying to convince me that I can only have a coherent conversation with my husband - if I feed him first.  And of course I have been sitting here dwelling on his inane decisions, and realizing that maybe it's not a little monster but the devil himself.  I'm just scratching the surface but what if it was never an apple - what if it was a cigarette in the garden of Eden?  And how many years later am I finally breaking my addiction?  Good for me.

My body and brain say don't go downstairs - little voice says just stay here and rot and die because you quit smoking.  Oh my gosh - this conversation is like playing chess with a pigeon.  I just realized I REALLY NEED to go to the library.  But I am still in my pajamas and time is ticking by.

It looks so cold and windy outside - my inner self is so happy not to have to ever go out there and smoke again.  My outside is like Eeyore - nothing, I got nothing.

20160129 2pm = 17 hours

=) Deep inside - I'm am happy - on the outside I'm just tired and a little restless - not quite sure what to do with myself.  Sleep would be really good BUT I have had meetings all day today - back to back to back.  Soon enough, I'll get a chance to sleep - back to work - oh yes - forgot to mention - lunch was two tiny hershey bars and maybe 6 cookies and a glass of milk.  This is good - I am happy and proud. =)  I did have two pieces of trident when I was on a call earlier.  And I took two pamprin with my toast this morning, and my vitamins.

I came across the EasyWay fb page and have been reading all the posts to the page and Allen Carr's responses - very enjoyable.  Some day I will post there - but not for a while.

20160129 So many posts, and yet here's another

I smoked a cigarette around 9pm last night, as I finished reading Allen Carr's EasyWay - the calendar book called Happy Non-smoker - I think.  Went to bed around 11 and woke up around 8am so got enough sleep - but I am very tired right now - although I think a good bit of that is because I am supposed to be working - Grrr 1141am - I better get back to work and quit yawning - so far I have drank 2 cups of OJ and had 2 pieces of cinnamon toast.  I am happy - so very thankful and happy that I get to live my life without ever feeding the 'little monster' again.

20150929 what went wrong

I wish I had these entries for each quit attempted. I really think it would help to know what went wrong. Anyways, this time I obviously blamed it on my father's passing. Had Joe pick me up a pack of cigarettes at 7-11 in the morning. Smoked 3 on the way to the airport. I was through half the pack when I got to his house and found a carton and a half. And his zippo lighters, how could I deny them use under the circumstances. It was lame and I know it.

20150928 3pm

I wouldn't find out for 2 more hours, but my father had passed away. 

20150928 I'm doing it!

I've been smoke free for 0 years, 0 months, 0 days, 14 hours, 19 minutes & 46 seconds www.smokefreeapp.com#smokefreeapp #smokefree

I'm tired.  I have eaten beef jerky, drank some water, chewed some gum.  It's going very well. Was very direct with Nicole this morning, but didn't over react or anything like that. Kept my voice level for the most part. Very tired. Going to take a nap after I watch part 2 again. ...maybe......sooooooo sleepy =)

Kerry Gaynor The Method

Demand!  Not want.

want = try to quit

It's either cigarettes or me - VOTE for ME!

TWO OPTIONS:  QUITTING SMOKING OR GETTING SICK AND DYING

Go for it!  Commit my body, mind, and soul!

RISE UP - meet the challenge - don't make a big deal - it's just a moment where you want something you can't have

A couple days, and I'll be fine.

Pretty soon I'll feel better and it's worth it because I'm saving my life here!

Attitude is "I'm never smoking again!"  because I don't want to get sick and die from these stupid things.

ENOUGH, NO MORE, NEVER AGAIN

gain power from knowing next constriction could could heart failure or begin lung cancer/emphysema

The addict is a direct threat to my life.  FEEL THE THREAT

#1  OH MY GOD - NO WAY - lung cancer - heart disease - emphysema - OH MY GOD - I don't wanna get sick - OH MY GOD - half a million people in America died last year from smoking - OH MY GOD - One more cigarette and I COULD END UP IN THE HOSPITAL!

Be convincing and the addict won't come back tomorrow!

I AM TERRIFIED that if I continue smoking - I will get sick and die at any moment!

I made up my mind - it's a done deal - and not open for discussion.  PERIOD.

Role playing with addict:  "Hey - had a few fun times smoking with you but I AM TERRIFIED and I'M NEVER SMOKING AGAIN!

FOCUS
I've quit smoking.  I'm never smoking again and nothing will ever change my mind.
STAY ON MY SPOT - DO NOT get knocked off.

It's no longer about day-to-day life anymore - it is about cigarettes.  If they are deadly on Tuesday, they are still deadly on Wednesday, regardless of the drama I am going through on any particular day.

Cigarettes are "the" serial killer and I must break up and never reconcile because they will ALWAYS BE A SERIAL KILLER - still deadly when you are having a bad day and almost give consideration AND THEY NEVER GIVE A DAMN ABOUT ME

CLARITY
A child running into the street = me smoking
don't need proof to take action re: child
never would say maybe he'll be okay
no proof or certainty that harm will come
should be EQUALLY HORRIFIED of the prospect of death

Tomorrow morning God appears "Hey!  I've checked out your lungs.  They're shot.  If you have the next cigarette you are going to collapse.  You won't die but you'll be rushed to the hospital.  You will have trouble breathing.  They will revive you.  And then for the next 5 and a half years you will suffer in ways you cannot even imagine.  You will be hospitalized fifteen times.  You will be operated on five times, and at the end of five and a half years you will suffocate and die.

But if you don't have the cigarette, you'll be fine."

===>  Be focused, alert, and on the ball.

===>  Respond INSTANTLY to the addict

===>  If you hesitate, at all, you will give him hope.

===>  The balance of power immediately changes if he gets any hope

===>  DO NOT GIVE THE THREE YEAR OLD THE GUN!!!!!

#2  MANTRA:  It's not an option.  It's not an option.

NEVER enter the debate (addict's main tool)

#3  No consideration, no debate

I don't smoke anymore.  Don't be jealous of others.  They are sick and dying.  Buy a NO FEAR shirt because the real power is changing from within.

DO NOT AVOID anything - it will give the addict hope.

You will have memories of cigarettes.  You will never have a moment of consideration.

You cannot separate the pleasure from the consequence.

This is my story, and I am sticking to it!

It all started, like a million years ago, when I first started smoking.  And it ended July 13, 2014, around 9pm EDT.  Don't recall much about that last smoke, other than the fact that I sure didn't realize it was my last smoke at the time.  I remember being scared to stand by the back door because the light was out and it was pitch black and a huge pinching-type beetle was flailing around upside down on the stairs so I covered him up with a bucket filled with rocks...crunch...and then I sat on the far side of the patio with my butt resting on the edge of the chair.  The only other memory that comes to mind is the flying gnat bugs that were attacking my phone screen, when it was lit up.

That's it.  Then I came in - got the children into bed, and asleep, and then I watched The Method - DVD number 2.  It was wonderful.  Kerry gave me a mantra, and reminded me it was time to demand to be smoke free.  With all the passion I had given to that addict living inside me - I turned it around full circle - and evicted him.  I wasn't rude, I was just done with it, and refusing to let one more drag of any cigarette be the one that puts me in the hospital and/or kills me.  Bizarre - Kerry uses that word so kindly - I would choose more colorful words to tell the smokers of the world to wake the *bleep* up.

The Kerry Gaynor Method is phenomenal, magical, superb, outstanding, wonderful, freeing, life-changing, inexpensive, a miracle.  A miracle - yes - a true miracle.  I quit smoking before - had crazy, borderline psychotic reactions EVERY SINGLE ATTEMPT.  I would just sit at the table and cry.  I would stay in the bed the next morning, not knowing what to do first, not knowing if I even wanted to go on living if I couldn't smoke.  "OH MY GOD!"  Kerry says you have to have the Oh my God moment when the addict suggests the cigarette.  I think my moment came before I even found Kerry in that I was scared to try and quit again just because of the emotional toll I placed on my self each time.  My experiences from the past couple years are here in this blog.

Truth?  At 41 hours smoke free, I...

...am a little tired - nothing I cannot handle, but could sure use a nap (non-depressional, I might add) this afternoon, but honestly I wish I had some bananas. Perhaps I'll just go get some gum and have myself a little unhealthy sugar rush this afternoon.

....have to remind myself to unshrug my shoulders quite a few times a day.

....am a little quick to fuss at the husband and children SOMETIMES, but not all the time, and actually not much of the time.

...am not afraid to leave the house, or go outside, but I am trying to be mindful of what I eat.

This quit is a miracle, and I thank God for bringing Kerry into my life.  My husband and daughters don't even know or realize that I have quit. (That, my friends, is divine intervention.  There could be no other explanation.)  And I ain't telling them.  =)  I will just wait until it gets mentioned by someone and then share my stats at that time.  I'm not obsessing over them so I really have to look it up, every time I want to know for myself.  I didn't mention my son above because he saw my app and asked about it.  I explained what it was and how long it had been since I stopped smoking.  He gave me a high five.  As for the rest of them, I can't really blame them for not asking.  Here I am acting perfectly normal.  Mir. A. Cle.  I'm telling you!  And since for the past year I have been smoking my 8 or 9 cigs a day hidden in the back yard in the corner next to the fireplace so that no one can look out of the house and see me, there's no telling how long this could go on.  My husband will probably realize it first - especially when we take our next trip to NJ and I never ask him to stop so I can smoke.  I am so excited to be able to stay in hotel rooms without sneaking out for a smoke.  I am also so excited to plan a Halloween Party with the girls and not have to stress over how will a take a break and grab a cig in the middle of the party.  Regular everyday life has been preparing me for this final quit for most of the past year.  I had quit smoking in the car.  I could watch an entire movie without sneaking out halfway through.  I could cook dinner, sit down to eat it, and clean up most of it before running off to my little corner in the yard to stink myself up.  My poor children - having to put up with that smell all these years.

I do have somewhat random thoughts right now, but like Kerry told me to say, I am a little under the weather, but pretty soon I'll feel better and it's worth it - because I am saving my life here.

More than 36 hours post nicotine

Obviously I haven't gone 3 weeks yet, which was my longest quit ever - two years ago with Joe - who is still quit by the way.  I do think a day and a half is pretty good though.  And no candy binge-ing - thank God.  I did tear up some gum in the van driving around yesterday afternoon though, but I got smart and picked up some sugarfree while I was out.  My biggest revelation of the day has been that I am afraid.  I am deathly afraid not to smoke.  I don't know how to do it.  So I stay put in this damn chair and dwell on it - but casually - not obsessively like a few times in the past.  I do not feel as tired today, but I do feel scared.  I am almost in tears, like a child being forced on a roller coaster.  In acknowledging my fear factor - I realized that I have used cigarettes as a crutch to steer clear of every emotion out there.  Fear, joy, fear, happiness, sadness.  I realized that I have no clue how to handle life without a cigarette.  I mean I am doing it now but more like an inmate in prison living and breathing everyday - but put him on on the streets, and unless he goes back to his illegal ways, to live legal and morally - he has a heart attack and dies.

And rereading that I wonder if Satan himself wrote it.  I won't have a heart attack and die, and if I cry - fine cry - I have smoked for over 28 years and will miss it.  The nicotine will be out of my body soon which will greatly help me start to really heal the absence of a life long parasite (so wanted to put friend or even enemy, but parasite is perfect - it fed off me and is nothing unless I light it and inhale it).  Regardless, I have not lived day in and day out with any other noun for as long as I have with cigarettes.  This Chantix medicine is good though, because I swear to you.  I am not having any cravings, only fear of living without cigarettes, unless that is what a craving is.  Hmmmmm.  That doesn't make sense - contextually - anyways, because chewing gum or keeping a pencil in my hand or snapping a rubberband against my wrist doesn't begin to help calm my nerves before a meeting presentation or relax me after a heated discussion with my husband or teenaged daughters.

I will miss taking breaks in the fall and drinking chocolate milk with my cigarette.  I still miss my very first cigarettes in the morning.  It is so hard to get out of the bed.  It's like I need a different reward in the morning to help coax me out of bed.

15.5 hours...

Got a shower, BRUSHED MY TEETH :-D, and got dressed.  Even put a little product in my hair.  Pretty.  I smell really good - thanks to a sale at BBW last week, in which I picked up night blooming jasmine gel and lotion, and luckily the package was on my front doorstep just before I took my shower.  I feel like I could fall asleep though.  Tired eyes, tired mind, tired bum from sitting on this chair for so long this morning/today.  Too late for a nap today, but tomorrow I think I will plan for one.  My inner core kinda really wants to run downstairs and do a quick declutter, but my outter layer refuses to move.  Ugghhhh - I am a blob with a brain and wifi.  I haven't drank much today - perhaps I will grab a water bottle and head downstairs.  ===>>> To be continued.....

In the 13th hour

The main things I am noticing are craving candy (possibly from past quits), tightly shrugged shoulders and obsessing over it (but in a good way).  Just spending my free time downloading apps, checking on my SFW FB peeps.  Afraid to go for a ride.  Heck, I would almost venture to say I am afraid to get up and do anything.....shower, eat, go to the basement.  I need to go find me something like a needle point project that I can set a timer for and take breaks to work on it.

5 Things to do on Your Quit Day

Let's have a smoke free day....which will hopefully turn into a week and a month and a lifetime =)

11 hours smoke free!   Go me!

5 Things to do on Your Quit Day

One at Noon and then....at 1230pm on a partly sunny day...

I smoked the final cigarette of my entire life!  And two and a half hours later - I am still so excited!

I made the following note in my book, at the end, where I read "You are now a Happy Non-smoker";
I am not deprived!  THAT is ludicrous!  I am finally FREE!  Free at last, free at last, Thank God Almighty I am free at last!!!  I am living life now!  I am a non-smoker!  I am having FUN!  YIPPEE!  Bad days won't ever be as bad as they were and good days will be better than I can ever remember!

I love that I don't have to stop thinking about smoking or cigarettes.  When I think of them - I KNOW I am not a smoker - I am free!  I am so excited and elated and blessed to be free of the nicotine addiction.  I am not an Ex-smoker that feels something is missing and/or tries to substitute for it.  I am living life - pure and simple.  I am a non-smoker.  Thank you God and thank you Allen Carr.

As for timing - I have a feeling that on or around February 31st, 2013, I will experience my Moment of Revelation, and that will forever mark my Welcome Back anniversary.  Corny, but hey - having fun IS corny sometimes.  And I am all about fun now!  =)

Another at 910am [eop]

I have smoked 5 more in about 20 hours time

I already wrote about that first one.  I know i had one at 6am this morning and one now at 9am.  And i had one before bed, say 830pm.  The other two were somewhere in between the first and the last yesterday.  I am reading Easyway by Allan Carr and am exited to be a complete non-smoker with no desire to ever smoke again very soon.  I did want my quit date to be the 25th-- but I am seeing now that it will likely end up being the 30th or 31st of February, like I originally told Jaime years ago.  Of course that date doesn't actually exist, so that was one of my idiotic ways of putting off 'giving up' smoking forever.  Ha HA!  But the date can exist, it just is actually March 1st or 2nd.  Anyways...back to the book.  =)

All alone and to the 7-11 I go

The children were all at school and daycare.  Husband left for work.  I am working from home and come out of my home office and go upstairs.   I pick up my phone and my car keys.  I locate my credit card in my purse and put it in my hand.  I remember that I have a coupon for a pack of cigarettes and then worry for a second that I threw it away during the quit "prep".  I find it though, just where it should have been.  After standing in the kitchen hallway for what seemed like an eternity, and thinking of everyone that I may disappoint if I do this, I finally walk outside, lock the front door and drive to the 7-11.  Making excuses the whole way, thinking I could just have one at night before going to bed and one in the morning - two a day isn't bad - right?  I must admit that there is a very, very small voice saying, this is all just a test, go two minutes and just don't smoke.  I decide that if I go back to smoking I will not smoke in the car.  I visualize smoking outside of the car before leaving work in the afternoon (there went the idea of just two cigarettes a day).  I bought the pack.  Easy, peasy.  Remembering that I told someone on CN that not having to go through yesterday again and the money would help keep me in the quit.  The money doesn't really matter.  It's not like I am destitute and have to decide whether to eat or feed my children or buy a pack.  Ugghhh.  I just want to be normal and FEEL normal, not tired or obsessed.  I want to think about my work, and family, and house and schedule CLEARLY.  I am so sick of cigarettes.  The fact that last night Joe said he's ready to get a divorce and I spent time researching a person to mediate it, really makes me feel alone in all this.  I smoked a cigarette once I got home at 153pm.  And I feel physically ill!  I HATE THIS!  I want to barf but I need to shower and work and take out the trash and pick up children and feed them dinner and get them ready for bed, and somewhere in between make some time to have fun with them, and watch them grow before my eyes.

Good and Good God Almighty

From one end of the spectrum to the other I have traveled.  Sometimes multiple travels in the span of a second or two.  But for the most part - yesterday morning/day 1/8 hours as a nonsmoker - I did good.  I awake praising and praying to God.  I got showered.  I moved slower than normal, and I altered my thoughts a couple times, but I was proud and I did good.  Driving to work, I did good.  Talking to people - I did okay, I guess.  Not my usual kind, sweet self.  This new self was direct and uncaring.  Hopefully that will change.

From around hour 16 on - I have prayed Good God Almighty MANY times, one time even praying that he keep me from strangling my children, which I would never physically do but they were just jumping up and down on that nerve that nicodemon was using to remind me of how much I missed just walking away and sitting outside with a cigarette.  HMPF!  It was raining this morning, so I'm good.

I'm babbling now.  Other items of interest - I left work early yesterday to come home and take a nap.  It  helped I am sure - whether it's the nicotine leaving the body or fighting the body or depression over missing the stinky bastards (I put water in my jar - holy moley - it smells) - I am tired and I am going to get some more sleep today.  I have not used the nicotine gum, and probably won't.  I have faith in cold turkey.  Even though I am only using my brain to write this post - it definitely doesn't feel as foggy as it did yesterday.  I think if I just work to change the way I do other things for a bit - I'll quit linking them to smoking - like walk down the stairs backwards or use both hands to let the dogs out OR I could put their leashes on and take them for a walk!  Then I'd get the exercise everyone is telling the newbies we need on Cessation Nation FB app.

I HATE THAT I SMOKED!  AND WHAT IT IS DOING TO ME NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn't drink any water yesterday - just finished 1st bottle (2 8oz cups) today - going to get another - I want to flush that damn nicotine out as fast as possible.

Halfway through the first day!

Since 25. February 2013: 13 hours smoke free, 10 cigarettes non-smoked, $2.34 saved and 0 product(s) achieved.

I'm tired though and could really use a nap.

I QUIT! And this time I mean it!

After receiving the Smoke Stoppers kit I requested from a work website, I decided to give it another try.  Following their plan almost exactly for days 5, 4, and 3, I am now at the end of day 2, and I am 99% sure that I want today to be my last smoke day.  Why?  Because it's the 25th and I love that day of the month, always reminding myself and others how long it is until Christmas. The most wonderful day of the year!  And even though I am better prepared with this quit, and just took a dose of Tobaccoff, returning to a nonsmoker is only possible thanks to the Holy Trinity.  All three will be needed and depended on to make this most amazing accomplishment possible!

Woohooo! Here we go!

Pretty crappy day if I do say so. And that last cigarette was pretty crappy too.  Career smoker for 28 years and it ends like that.  Fine.  Good riddance.  I actually like it that way.  No romanticism.  Just the end of the most disgusting and unhealthy habit EVER.  Tomorrow is gonna be hard but God will help me through it!  And Thursday....forget about it!  15 minutes at a time.  Flylady has no idea how high I will fly once this addiction is gone.  Might even get to Jupiter, but I won't get stupider, that's for sure!  God night and God speed!  Congratulations!

A good day

I must thank God first because all things are possible through Him.  And even if it is mainly the SJW then it is still His creation and His timing and circumstance that brought it to me.  I took two pills today and felt great.  Not won the lottery great, but great in that I could have thought that would normally send me onto a tizzy, and I stayed calm and happy.  One of those thoughts that I had throughout the day was quitting or not smoking at that time and I handled the thoughts with Grace.  His Grace.  Thank you God.

Tomorrow I will begin the habit of not smoking in the morning.  That'll be a toughy just because of the pure habit.  But I have my new routine and I will just follow it.  =)  God speed!

I am getting things in place!

Reconfigured phone to help out a lot.  Created some babysteps to get started.  This week, sans today, I will no longer smoke first thing in the morning.  God speed!

You can't quit if you don't keep trying

Back on the Tobacoff.  Took 3 yesterday at 4pm.  And then this morning at 9am and just now.  I am smoking as I type this but not really enjoying it.been sitting at my desk all day doing some work but mostly in a daze.  Need to finish my inspiration creations when I go back up.  I think tomorrow's going to be the day I become a nonsmoker.  God speed!

Wow! I am sorta impressed!

So the numbers pretty much say it all.  I did fantastic on day 4 of my plan.  I have listened to my subliminal mp3s every single night.  I did start taking the SW today though and I feel great and proud too.  Yeah me!

The part where I am really impressing myself is that I seem to be stretching my times almost to the next interval before I even get to that particular level.  Still working on a visualization of being completely smoke free.  I think that's gonna end up being more of a leap of faith for me with my Pruner than anything else.  Which is fine, because all things are possible through Him.  Amen.

= = JUST NOTICED = = the smoking log is updating all days to the current stats - so the colors for plan days 1-3 are inaccurate, but then again it makes yesterday look all the more better :D

It's not going quite as expected

From the photo of my smoke log, I am definitely doing better on my second day of the plan, but I gotta say I feel like I'm doing worse.  I even altered the plan by increasing my Tobacoff but was irritable and craved them the worst since this quit plan even came to mind.

(above written on day 2.....following is the early morning of day 3)

This cigarette doesn't quite taste the same.  Could be me reading to much into it. And yesterday's issue could have something to do with being the last day of my 3 day weekend.  I did get lots of gum and candies though to help with "cravings"and I pulled out a pack of smoking withdrawal pills to see if that would help me as well.  I have been thinking about future days when I don't get to smoke every hour and how I will behave.  I see peoples' point in just quitting cold turkey, because it's almost as I'd I am just prolonging the misery stretching things out.  In my dream world I would be like Pavlov's dogs and just enjoy life as usual until I heard the somewhat obnoxious alarm I intentionally set to tell myself that time has passed and it's okay to smoke.  But I also don't want to end up waiting the rest of my life for that tune to play, you know?  In my dream world, much time would pass without me even conjuring a single thought of smoking.  And then when that one thought would come to mind and I saw that it had been soooooo long since  my last cigarette, I would be so pleased with myself that I would forget the craving and remain smoke free.

Well I can say I am having a craving right now....perhaps I should get out my old labor app and start tracking them that way!  HA!  Anyways it's time to wake up JJD and I still have laundry that need attention.  Please God help me through today by controlling my thoughts about future days.  =)  Amen.

Subliminal mp3

Had a bit of trouble falling asleep listening to it last night.  Well not really.  More like I woke up at the end and wasn't sure it had played all the way through - seemed like I had just fallen asleep and then the hour long recording was over, so I set it back up to play and then realized that it was an hour later than went I went to sleep!  Oh well! I went ahead and listened again anyways.

I really hope the supplement comes today.  I am interested to see how my system reacts with it. I need to add my Chantix experiences to the prologue. I an hopeful though that it won't be even close to that bad!