In the beginning and The Beginning

I remember standing outside the back gate of the post housing complex. Susan and Sarah and I were getting ready to get on the bus to go to the Fall Dance at American High School on Yongsan Army Base in Seoul, Korea. They were smoking. They had been smoking. Cool. I thought it looked cool. My mom and dads had all smoked. So I took a drag. And 31+ years later - I'm going to start living my life like I should have back then - and never take another drag.

{TL;DR - I have successfully quit smoking and escaped the evil cigarettes.  This is a blog entry about the month surrounding my epiphany.}

I've missed a couple of posts about the smoking coach and my doctor's visits. I'll try to catch up here. I was put on the Lexapro but it didn't agree with me and it scared me so I quit taking it Friday December 9th. I was as angry as a hornet Sunday morning. But by Sunday night I felt good and normal. I went to the doctor's Monday morning.  We came up with a plan to use nicotine replacement therapy. Right before I left the office she mentioned hypnosis. I said I'd actually tried a DVD and an app but obviously neither were 100% successful. All day today though I've been wondering if maybe they weren't a little successful. I don't smoke as much as I used to. I never smoke two in a row. A couple years ago I couldn't say that. Anyways, I left the office and added patches to my Amazon cart. Then I called the doctor's name she gave me. I spoke to her and was very excited and feeling positive about making the appointment THAT VERY WEEK. My only drawback was trying to do it closer to Christmas but I'm actually so excited and to be able to do it this week is PERFECT!  I don't need to wait until Christmas!  So I took the patches out of my cart and tomorrow I will go for my first session with Dr. Jennifer. I am beyond excited. To know that I may be done with cigarettes forever at lunch time on Thursday is awesome. I have been telling myself not to hype it up too much though. Because non-smokers are definitely different than smokers and I'm praying that I don't ever have to deal with the anxiety and stress and crap that I have let myself deal with all these years. I am looking for peace in this final quit. When I become a nonsmoker on Thursday I want it to be different.  I want my life to be better.  I want it to be noticeably better.  I think it will be but even if it's not, I still don't ever have to smoke again and that is the best part of it all!!!  I am praying that all of this has happened in God's perfect timing.  I'm so excited!!!  I am tired though honestly and I don't treat my body as good as I should.  I will though!  This is the first step.  I think my body and mind are trying to wear me down/act up a little bit but that's okay.  Christmas day I'll be okay.  I would also like to note that I am so excited to get a coat for Christmas and never smoke in it.  It will NEVER stink like cigarettes and more so than that - that my daughter wrote out a Christmas list asking for toys and crossed through everything and said please just let my mommy quit smoking - that's beyond heaven.  I am so blessed and I am so grateful for this opportunity.

Sooooo did I succesfully quit that Thursday???  Yes, and No.  I actually stayed quit until Friday evening.  In retrospect I know why, but at the time the excuses were "I'm just not ready", "I can't drink a beer and stay quit, and it's Friday, and I REALLY WANT A BEER", "I'm too busy right now, I'll quit on Christmas Eve as originally planned".  Hmpf!

It's fine though, because I am quit now, and that it all that matters!  Praise God and my friends and prayer prayers.  😃

Monday following that Friday, I immediately bought patches, lots of patches, 62 to be exact.  HA!  I also got smokeless cigarettes, and even some smoke free spray stuff for under my tongue.  I was a soldier with all the ammunition I could ever need.  And it worked.  I smoked on Christmas, and even the day after Christmas, but that was it.  I listened to Allan Carr's EasyWay to quit smoking the whole day.  At 1227am on 12.27 (you know I love that!!!) I smoked my last cigarette!

I slept almost the entire next/same day, and then because of my schedule I headed back to work the day after.  I was doing okay.  Then I went home.  I was anxious.  Upsettingly anxious.  I gave everyone a head's up that my anxiety was raising.  Well they didn't listen.  So I screamed at them (not Joseph, he was at a friend's).  I screamed so loud and so much that I thought my throat was bleeding.  I left.  I got in the car and the worst thoughts ran through my mind.  Let the lame excuses roll.  "See, I can't handle life without smoking."  "Smoking is my only friend/dependable thing."  "I may as well be dead, if I can't smoke."  "Life is just not worth living without cigarettes."  "I'm a horrible person/mother/wife/friend BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH

ENOUGH!

I smoked.  Two cigarettes.  I went home.  I apologized. I said I was embarrassed and ashamed.  I meant it.  I could not treat the people I loved most in the world like that, ever again, and I was never going to smoke another cigarette, and hurt myself, as long as the Good Lord allowed me to live.  I put on a patch (Step Two Habitrol 14 mg Nicotine Patch), and the beginning of MY life began.

No happy ending here yet though.  MY life, it seems has quite a bit of baggage.  Even though "Smoky Vic" was only smoking an average of 7-8 a day (with a many days of only 4-5), SHE SMOKED ALL THE DAMN TIME.  She smoked when she got up.  She smoked before she went to sleep.  She smoked before she did anything, cook, clean, shower, open Christmas presents, eat dinner, go to the store, have a meeting at work, you name it, she smoked before she did it.  And guess what?  (My littles' favorite 3 word phrase currently, but I digress.)  SHE SMOKED AFTER SHE DID ALL THOSE THINGS TOO.  She also smoked when she was happy, got good news, was mad, was sad, was depressed, was anxious, was excited.  If there was a feeling to be had, Smoky Vic smoked because of it, to deal with it, ugghhhhh, you get the idea.  Well, actually, you probably don't.  I didn't.  But I believe I learned it, in a Walmart, on a Monday around noon, through the voice of my Savior.

"At 11am I was sure I was going to smoke again, and for good. I wouldn't even text Jamie or anyone because they might talk me out of it. I was so upset and was in tears. But I didn't! Thank you God, Wild Bill's jerky, and Minute Maid Lemonade! They helped me realize that I never need to smoke again, because "IT'S JUST A TRIGGER"! THANK YOU GOD FOR HELPING ME REALIZE IT! AND THANK YOU PRAYER PRAYERS FOR KEEPING ME OUT OF THAT 7-ELEVEN! PRAISE GOD I AM HEALED AND FREE! "  my diary entry for January 2, 2017 in my smokefreeapp.com app

To expand on that entry, I was sad.  I was depressed.  I was feeling total dispair.  It started with upsetting thoughts of two of my children.  It worsened with the thought/anxiety of shopping at WalMart.  That irritation was elevated significantly by the dog, the bird, my clothes, my shoes, pretty much everything I heard, saw, or smelt that morning.  I was sliding down a very slippery slope.  FAST.  Then, after the miracle of my favorite jerky being available, and my blood sugar raising to the point I could hear my Lord's voice, He told me "It is just a trigger, my child."  The fog cleared and a bell went off.  IT. IS. JUST. A. TRIGGER.  I could see everything so clearly now.  I was obsessing over smoking because one after another TRIGGER was happening, and I "wasn't allowed to smoke", which was basically catapulting myself onto that SUPER slippery slope to cigaretteville.

I knew I had to retrain my brain, and I knew that people said that triggers may cause cravings forever, but it just never clicked.  And now I get it.  It still takes some mental work, if you will, but not much at all.  My littles love minecraft and have been saying "Hater alert" and "Hacker alert" for some time now.  Well now when I feel that feeling - And for the record it's nothing like hunger for me.  It's anger, torment, agitation, etc.  And whenever I feel it I just say "Trigger alert".  And it's gone.  The craving anyways.  I'm never smoking another cigarette again.  Now when I say "Trigger alert" I just solve the problem at hand or release the triggering feelings to God.  Here's a perfect example.  I like to drink a beer or maybe two on a Friday or Saturday evening.  I didn't have any New Year's Eve because I was scared to.  What if it ruined my quit?  What if I lost all my will power because of the drink?  BS!  This weekend I may feel the desire to drink a beer, and if I do, I will simply say "Trigger alert" and realize no smoking for me.  Just because I'm having a beer DOES NOT require me to have a cigarette.  I drank an orange sugary drink when I was pregnant and didn't have a cigarette, so why must I have one with a beer?  It's just a drink.  Honestly, my drink of choice has always been Coke.  Caffeine free Coke, actually, for the past 4 or 5 years.  And I used to drink them constantly.  Now I can barely drink one a day.  I use it for the sugar (because that is another HUGE part of the quit that I didn't really touch on - low blood sugar=tough quit and obsessive destructive thoughts).  I now take a CFCoke with me in the morning.  Do I think about smoking a cigarette when driving in a car and drinking it????  You bet your sweet arse I do!  But it's just a thought, moreover, it's a "Trigger Alert" and it's gone in a split second.  Every time, everywhere I have a "Trigger Alert" I am retraining my brain.  It'll take years.  I know that.  And it doesn't bother me in the least.  I will say that my hormonal schedule is what is honestly my biggest upcoming fear conquest???  Once I have successfully, quickly, and efficiently conquered (with God's help, of course) maybe four months of cycles, I will be done.  I will let my guard down and I will live life in complete and total peace.  I will never ever put another cigarette in my mouth though.  Not once, not ever. Pinky promise!  😙

The above entry was compiled over the past month.  I have not publicly announced my quit (read: posted to fb).  I have texted my main peeps, and keep them aware of my progress.  Not sure how I will use this page from here on out.  Maybe just to post my milestones or write about significant triggers.  

If you are still here, and still reading May God Bless You and Keep You Safe. 😇