All alone and to the 7-11 I go

The children were all at school and daycare.  Husband left for work.  I am working from home and come out of my home office and go upstairs.   I pick up my phone and my car keys.  I locate my credit card in my purse and put it in my hand.  I remember that I have a coupon for a pack of cigarettes and then worry for a second that I threw it away during the quit "prep".  I find it though, just where it should have been.  After standing in the kitchen hallway for what seemed like an eternity, and thinking of everyone that I may disappoint if I do this, I finally walk outside, lock the front door and drive to the 7-11.  Making excuses the whole way, thinking I could just have one at night before going to bed and one in the morning - two a day isn't bad - right?  I must admit that there is a very, very small voice saying, this is all just a test, go two minutes and just don't smoke.  I decide that if I go back to smoking I will not smoke in the car.  I visualize smoking outside of the car before leaving work in the afternoon (there went the idea of just two cigarettes a day).  I bought the pack.  Easy, peasy.  Remembering that I told someone on CN that not having to go through yesterday again and the money would help keep me in the quit.  The money doesn't really matter.  It's not like I am destitute and have to decide whether to eat or feed my children or buy a pack.  Ugghhh.  I just want to be normal and FEEL normal, not tired or obsessed.  I want to think about my work, and family, and house and schedule CLEARLY.  I am so sick of cigarettes.  The fact that last night Joe said he's ready to get a divorce and I spent time researching a person to mediate it, really makes me feel alone in all this.  I smoked a cigarette once I got home at 153pm.  And I feel physically ill!  I HATE THIS!  I want to barf but I need to shower and work and take out the trash and pick up children and feed them dinner and get them ready for bed, and somewhere in between make some time to have fun with them, and watch them grow before my eyes.

Good and Good God Almighty

From one end of the spectrum to the other I have traveled.  Sometimes multiple travels in the span of a second or two.  But for the most part - yesterday morning/day 1/8 hours as a nonsmoker - I did good.  I awake praising and praying to God.  I got showered.  I moved slower than normal, and I altered my thoughts a couple times, but I was proud and I did good.  Driving to work, I did good.  Talking to people - I did okay, I guess.  Not my usual kind, sweet self.  This new self was direct and uncaring.  Hopefully that will change.

From around hour 16 on - I have prayed Good God Almighty MANY times, one time even praying that he keep me from strangling my children, which I would never physically do but they were just jumping up and down on that nerve that nicodemon was using to remind me of how much I missed just walking away and sitting outside with a cigarette.  HMPF!  It was raining this morning, so I'm good.

I'm babbling now.  Other items of interest - I left work early yesterday to come home and take a nap.  It  helped I am sure - whether it's the nicotine leaving the body or fighting the body or depression over missing the stinky bastards (I put water in my jar - holy moley - it smells) - I am tired and I am going to get some more sleep today.  I have not used the nicotine gum, and probably won't.  I have faith in cold turkey.  Even though I am only using my brain to write this post - it definitely doesn't feel as foggy as it did yesterday.  I think if I just work to change the way I do other things for a bit - I'll quit linking them to smoking - like walk down the stairs backwards or use both hands to let the dogs out OR I could put their leashes on and take them for a walk!  Then I'd get the exercise everyone is telling the newbies we need on Cessation Nation FB app.

I HATE THAT I SMOKED!  AND WHAT IT IS DOING TO ME NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn't drink any water yesterday - just finished 1st bottle (2 8oz cups) today - going to get another - I want to flush that damn nicotine out as fast as possible.