Obviously I haven't gone 3 weeks yet, which was my longest quit ever - two years ago with Joe - who is still quit by the way. I do think a day and a half is pretty good though. And no candy binge-ing - thank God. I did tear up some gum in the van driving around yesterday afternoon though, but I got smart and picked up some sugarfree while I was out. My biggest revelation of the day has been that I am afraid. I am deathly afraid not to smoke. I don't know how to do it. So I stay put in this damn chair and dwell on it - but casually - not obsessively like a few times in the past. I do not feel as tired today, but I do feel scared. I am almost in tears, like a child being forced on a roller coaster. In acknowledging my fear factor - I realized that I have used cigarettes as a crutch to steer clear of every emotion out there. Fear, joy, fear, happiness, sadness. I realized that I have no clue how to handle life without a cigarette. I mean I am doing it now but more like an inmate in prison living and breathing everyday - but put him on on the streets, and unless he goes back to his illegal ways, to live legal and morally - he has a heart attack and dies.
And rereading that I wonder if Satan himself wrote it. I won't have a heart attack and die, and if I cry - fine cry - I have smoked for over 28 years and will miss it. The nicotine will be out of my body soon which will greatly help me start to really heal the absence of a life long parasite (so wanted to put friend or even enemy, but parasite is perfect - it fed off me and is nothing unless I light it and inhale it). Regardless, I have not lived day in and day out with any other noun for as long as I have with cigarettes. This Chantix medicine is good though, because I swear to you. I am not having any cravings, only fear of living without cigarettes, unless that is what a craving is. Hmmmmm. That doesn't make sense - contextually - anyways, because chewing gum or keeping a pencil in my hand or snapping a rubberband against my wrist doesn't begin to help calm my nerves before a meeting presentation or relax me after a heated discussion with my husband or teenaged daughters.
I will miss taking breaks in the fall and drinking chocolate milk with my cigarette. I still miss my very first cigarettes in the morning. It is so hard to get out of the bed. It's like I need a different reward in the morning to help coax me out of bed.
