20161201 Lots of snoring noises

I am soooooo tired - I could fall asleep sitting up RIGHT NOW at my desk!  This is such torture.  It takes me sooooo long to complete a task. I had restless legs earlier and it looks like going on a walk (2x around the block) helped.  I have taken my vitamins today, eaten some breakfast, smoked two cigarettes (last one at 730am), drank a cup of hot cocoa, and nothing is helping.  Hmmmm, is this from the lack of nicotine?  Or the medicine?  when the doc's office calls I should probably ask.

Fast forward four or five hours and I'm feeling pretty decent, well as far as tired goes.  Other than that I have eaten way too much, thought almost constantly about going for a break, my feet are irritating the crap out of me with too much socks making the boots too tight.  And my neck is still pretty sore.  I did find an alan carr video to watch. And loaded up jason vale's app.

20161115 11am smoking coach - session 1

She mentioned Chantix and that you have to take it right in order for it to work/keep you from smoking

could take welbutrin for anxiety

she asked me to call my doctor

best rate of recovery is coaching + medication

- possible solution to use chantix and low dose NRT

- say no I don't need to feel anxious right now "wellbutrin"

- reduce intake to 10 per day this week

think about things that are important to me that will improve with smoking cessation - examples:  money, smell, health

smoking = addiction + habit

reward

intentional exercise REALLY HELPS - same pleasure response as smoking

TO DO:
1.  think about how to incorporate exercise 2x week
2.  Talk to doc about meds
3.  Be very focused on pushing off smokes as long as possible.  Keep a log.  "I don't need this right now."  What am I feeling right now?
4.  BE AWARE of patterns

next call 11am on Nov 22nd

#

Worked very hard to take the break in the middle of things instead of when I finish or before I start something . 

#5

I had a couple of thoughts of smoking since the last one, but pushed those thoughts off. I think this one is more of a transition cigarette.

#4

Smoking coach asked me to:

1. stay very mindful of my smoking

2.  push back each smoke

3.  no more smoking in the car

I personally added:

4.  push back 1st smoke of the day by 15 minutes

Next call is December 1st @8am ET

20161116 1010am Craving

got some packages at work and after opening everything and setting it all up, I feel like going to smoke, but I am not going to.  Was also able to successfully to sign up for 12 week lozenge plan on smokefreehabits.com

20161116 830a T-2 weeks? Here we go again

Having a craving, mostly because it's time to do it. it's only been an hour and 20 since my last smoke.

UPDATE:  When checking on this post, I read through some older quits HOLY $H!T - that was ugly.  I'm not quit right now - just logging the smokes I smoke.  Bought lots of lozenges, made an appointment for next Monday with my doc to ask for medication, spoke with a healthier me smoke free counselor yesterday - first time for that.  My friend at work quit smoking on Saturday at Noon.

Ehhh. Probably should listen to the SOS

#QuitNow! Since Jun 19, 2016:
0 days smoke free,
9 down,
$1.96 and 00:52 saved!

20160620 Monday 420p My Smoke Free Progress Android v1.1.3

Savings so far:  $1.88
Yearly savings:  $900
Hours smoke free: 18.19
Life regained (hours): 4.35
Cigarettes not smoked: 7.63
Cravings resisted: 0

www.smokefreeapp.com
#smokefreeapp #smokefree

so this is how we roll....now

I have actually paid for this lovely app twice.  I was able to reload it just now with out payment.  Unfortunately all the records from my previous TWENTY-FIVE DAY QUIT ARE GONE.  Oh well - no matter.  That was that, and this is this/it/the grande finale!  WOOHOO!!!!  With every previous quit I learned a thing or few, and I'm done.  I let go of my last cigarette at 945pm last night, and NEVER, EVER have to worry with another damn cigarette for the rest of my life.  Praise God and Jason Vale.  =)

I'm happy, smiling, not a hermit crab - took the children to their dentist, ran errands, not eating us out of house and home.  Okay well people who are planning to never smoke again, shouldn't bake lemon cake and brownies THE. DAY. BE. FORE. Duh.  I seriously have been pretty reserved today, thank goodness.  I now know that there is imperceptible pain when nicotine leaves the body.  I honestly haven't even had a strong urge - no SOS for me yet - anyways.  Two tiny little naps though.  15 minutes each.  They really helped my super heavy eyelids.  I have been poisoning myself for over 31 years.  I think it's okay if I rest a little.  For the record - I am not depressed - I pity smokers now - they are going to lose their lives for an illusion.  :(  I am also not on the high end of a bi-polar attack.  I am just happy that I never, ever have to smoke a cigarette again.  I can if I want to - but ummm - no, thank you - I'm good.  I will not always feel this happy - and that's cool - because days are filled with up and down and in the middle moments, and I'm more than happy for that.

Now to figure out why I have daggone bubbles in the pool again.  Grrrr Mondays!  HAHAHHAHA

oh my goodness - almost forgot - last night as soon as I quit I told the children we should CELEBRATE!  "Brownies for everyone!", I said.  HA!  It was the most delicious celebration ever!

Thursday, April 14th *Day 24

I'm losing my mind.  I am meaner and sadder than I can ever remember.  I want to stay quit and yet I want to smoke.  I cannot handle this.  I wonder if maybe I should see someone about the anger management, and then focus on quitting.  I don't want to hurt anything, anyone or myself.  I am bawling my eyes out and I have prayed to God, and I just have to wonder if THIS is where he's trying to lead me.  I have had this problem a lot and I think smoking made it manageable, but now it's a daily occurrence.  And I don't want to live like this anymore.

Monday, April 11th *Day 21

FIVE HUNDRED FIFTEEN HOURS SMOKE FREE

Amazing.  (My thoughts as I enter the 19th hour of my next quit.) BUT - these are notes I found and as sad as they are, I'm going to post them here for reference.

BAD
freaking out
sad
crying
just want to be normal again
researching depression
can barely work

GOOD
proud of quit time
proud of NLD - don't smoke ever again
proud of times I go outside

I just cannot figure out what to do - PTA stuff/want to go get smokes and start over again but then I'm upset with myself to smoke and see anybody - guilt - UUGGHHHH - next time I don't want to tell ANYONE!  WHY?  makes it easier to relapse - Okay so I am a bitch on a quit.  I'm a bitch when I smoke.  Something is wrong with me.  At least when I'm smoking, I get two weeks energy then 2 weeks of blah.  Been quit for 3 weeks and NOTHING.  I'm worthless.  Okay let's go to that tree they are killing me - really want to move!  Oh but that's scary.  Right now I have a decent house, and decent schools, and family around, if need be.  I want to have a clean, pretty house but it's falling to shit because I don't........

......no clue where I was going on that one - freaking out about upcoming meetings AND STILL want to be quit

Day 1 Tuesday March 22nd *20 hours

feeling terrible, sick to my stomach, sore throat, you know the probably-going-to-die-soon-may-as-well-smoke sickness.

lost/losing it with children and bird - broke toys and chair

tired - kinda want to sleep alone and want a backrub too

Day 1 Tuesday March 22nd *17 hours

I am half tired, half dizzy/foggy brained. My lunch was two pieces of cinnamon toast.  I tried to drink some orange juice, but it did not taste good. I also had a bunch of chips and some goldfish.  I finished my caffeine free coke from this morning, and took ginseng, vitamin, and ginkgo biloba.  I can't find my PMS stuff I had.

I finally came upstairs to make my calls. Ate a sucrets, then a luden's, then chewed gum and ate sucky candies, repeat.

It felt like time was standing still. I had the hardest time focusing on my calls. But then again, during a couple different moments, I had complete clarity.

And then the hammer fell, on the lady at the bank.  She was nice, but angered and scared my inner child. I chewed her up and spat her out. It was not pretty.

If my husband and dear friend are correct, I should feel better come May Day.  Until then I'll just yell my maydays here or on fb.  And I'll probably wait until then to close the safe deposit box, for both our sakes.

@4pm I took my PMS stuff - 30 minutes later - feel pretty good - a little tired but good over all - even came outside in the warm sunshine to type this.

Please also note my shoulders are so tight and shrugged - I've intentionally released them 20+ times today.

Day 1 Tuesday March 22nd *12 hours

woke up - came downstairs and sat down at the table - chewed 8 pieces of gum over the course of four and a half hours - got out of the chair at 11:30 make cinnamon toast - almost burnt first batch - have been reading fb and commented on a dozen posts

20160202 11am = you do the math

No, I'm no longer excited about my quit. Why? I don't know. Maybe because part of me just wants to be a smoker again. Some times, on my terms though, and without the hacking cough. Ugghhhh. Sitting outside a 7-11. Watching the smokers. It's so embarrassing. I know they don't want to suffer from that next withdrawal. And here I am as close to free as I can get, and I am still debating going in to buy a pack.  My appointment's in 9 minutes. Plenty of time. The struggle is real.  I want to but I don't want to, and no, I'm not gonna just buy a pack, just in case. Then I might smoke just for the lame reason of well I have them right here. If I am going to blow this quit wide open, there's gonna be a valid reason, that's for sure. Yes, I think about it a good amount, but I wouldn't even say a lot.  And I smoked for 30+ years. It might just take a while. 

20160201 Almost 5pm = Day 4 STILL

Long day - really, really, really need to have something to do or use as my transition to work - something I can use throughout the day, too.  The 4 drags I took this morning are seriously unacceptable as well is the munching of beef jerky (actually okay), three types of party mix, chocolate candy bars - no no no.  Homework tonight is to make sure NONE of that happens again.  It's gonna be 9pm Thursday before I get to "this morning" again - GRRRRR MONDAYS

20160201 10a = 3.5 days Snap! =(

I hope I didn't just mess up really bad.  I'm second guessing myself - was I able to make it all weekend because I knew this morning was coming - Joe asleep and the littles back in school.  I even told then - I can't wait to get you on the bus so I can come back here and smoke a cigarette before I start work.  I don't even know if I was craving it or what.  I have had some uncomfortable feelings, but I think they are just hunger pains, and definitely nothing that was smoke-worthy.  But I did it - I lit the damn cigarette. and stood there for a minute just holding it - I wanted it to make me violently ill.  I knew it wouldn't, and I knew the taste wouldn't be gross - if fact I have to say I really enjoy that taste - the first cigarette taste - so four drags later and I couldn't taste it.  So I poured my caffeine free coke on the cigarette and threw it away.  I was dizzy and then I immediately got a headache.  Piece of crap cigarette.  I cannot I believe I gave up 80 hours for that.  Not horrific enough to keep me from ever taking another drag - yet just poisonous enough to keep me from taking back up they NASTY addiction. Well I pretty much drank 30 ounces of water to try and flush those 4 drags out.  The nicer weather is making it difficult to remember that I don't want to ever smoke again.  God help me, and forgive me.

20160131 130p = Day 3 harder than I thought

Feeling sick to my stomach, like I'm either hungry or gonna puke. Fun. Took shower. Took nap. Ate a little bit.  I think some subliminal plans are being made. Getting nervous about tonight and tomorrow. Both should be a breeze.  Must stay vigilant!

I'm choosing to never smoke again PERIOD And I am happier for it. Not at this exact moment, but on the whole.

20160131 9a = 60 hours and money in the bank

Since 28. January 2016: 2 days 12 hours smoke free, 25 cigarettes non-smoked, $6.27 saved and 0 product(s) achieved.

And I even moved $5 over to a savings account, for two days worth of quitting.

Having hundreds of passing thoughts of smoking, but easily dismissed. Thankful for no obsessing thoughts. 

I honestly think the catalyst has been that I haven't given the 'little monster' even a smidgen of hope. Every thought I have is met with. No, that's stupid. I don't smoke.

It's truly freeing though. Because I can do anything I want to now. Amazing.  Besides just field trips, I can jump on a plane. Rent a house. Go to an amusement park. Get a hotel room. I AM FREE.  I AM FREE. I AM FLIPPING FREE!

I am so thankful for this. I must never get overconfident though. As long as I never consider smoking again, I will enjoy this beautiful freedom forever!

20160130 1p = 40 hours Meh

I did the taxes so yeah and I am pretty sure I've had a couple more words with Joe than usual but other than that  - it's been going well - definitely trying to have cravings and definitely a hostage situation going on in there - but I just say "buzz off" to the thoughts most of the time and get on with my nicotine free life.  I went out to breakfast and to the library twice.  I think I am a lot worse off when I stay in my head - like it's really not that bad and neither am I but the 'little monster' keeps me trapped with these horrible thoughts - and that just ain't how it is - so like EVERYONE says - gotta keep myself busy or sleep - either one's fine - just do not get left alone in this brain just yet - too scary.

20160130 830am = 35.5 hours and I feel good - really good!

I thought about it for a long time before getting out of bed - hours even - and sometimes I didn't think I was going to do it - but I did!  I sat up in the bed and got up and got the dog and started to go to the bathroom.  Then I fussed at JJD a little for letting the dog free-roam, but he quickly got him down the stairs and out the door, with no accidents.  I kept to myself as I let out the bird, but I quickly realized that my interactions with the children and dog were kind - and that made me happy.  I am thankful to have put so much distance between the nicotine and me.  And I am going to have a good and productive day!  I think.  Scratch that - I believe!

20160129 849p = 1 day (and THE longest hour of my life)

Spent most of it crying or in the shower. Almost talked myself out of quitting a couple times. This is tough. I need to sleep if anything just to put some more time under my belt. Godspeed tomorrow.

20150129 8pm = 23 hours and I'm going to bed

I'm sure I'll get better at this, but for tonight Joe is here and can get the children to bed. All I seem to be doing is trying to get on people's nerves, so it's probably for the best. Maybe I'll take a shower first to relax.

20160129 4pm = 19 hours

So I had a snack shortly after the last post - more cookies, milk and this time, some caramel chocolate bars - two of them.

I'm done with my calls for the days but I am avoiding Joe - the little monster is trying to convince me that I can only have a coherent conversation with my husband - if I feed him first.  And of course I have been sitting here dwelling on his inane decisions, and realizing that maybe it's not a little monster but the devil himself.  I'm just scratching the surface but what if it was never an apple - what if it was a cigarette in the garden of Eden?  And how many years later am I finally breaking my addiction?  Good for me.

My body and brain say don't go downstairs - little voice says just stay here and rot and die because you quit smoking.  Oh my gosh - this conversation is like playing chess with a pigeon.  I just realized I REALLY NEED to go to the library.  But I am still in my pajamas and time is ticking by.

It looks so cold and windy outside - my inner self is so happy not to have to ever go out there and smoke again.  My outside is like Eeyore - nothing, I got nothing.

20160129 2pm = 17 hours

=) Deep inside - I'm am happy - on the outside I'm just tired and a little restless - not quite sure what to do with myself.  Sleep would be really good BUT I have had meetings all day today - back to back to back.  Soon enough, I'll get a chance to sleep - back to work - oh yes - forgot to mention - lunch was two tiny hershey bars and maybe 6 cookies and a glass of milk.  This is good - I am happy and proud. =)  I did have two pieces of trident when I was on a call earlier.  And I took two pamprin with my toast this morning, and my vitamins.

I came across the EasyWay fb page and have been reading all the posts to the page and Allen Carr's responses - very enjoyable.  Some day I will post there - but not for a while.

20160129 So many posts, and yet here's another

I smoked a cigarette around 9pm last night, as I finished reading Allen Carr's EasyWay - the calendar book called Happy Non-smoker - I think.  Went to bed around 11 and woke up around 8am so got enough sleep - but I am very tired right now - although I think a good bit of that is because I am supposed to be working - Grrr 1141am - I better get back to work and quit yawning - so far I have drank 2 cups of OJ and had 2 pieces of cinnamon toast.  I am happy - so very thankful and happy that I get to live my life without ever feeding the 'little monster' again.