20160201 Almost 5pm = Day 4 STILL

Long day - really, really, really need to have something to do or use as my transition to work - something I can use throughout the day, too.  The 4 drags I took this morning are seriously unacceptable as well is the munching of beef jerky (actually okay), three types of party mix, chocolate candy bars - no no no.  Homework tonight is to make sure NONE of that happens again.  It's gonna be 9pm Thursday before I get to "this morning" again - GRRRRR MONDAYS

20160201 10a = 3.5 days Snap! =(

I hope I didn't just mess up really bad.  I'm second guessing myself - was I able to make it all weekend because I knew this morning was coming - Joe asleep and the littles back in school.  I even told then - I can't wait to get you on the bus so I can come back here and smoke a cigarette before I start work.  I don't even know if I was craving it or what.  I have had some uncomfortable feelings, but I think they are just hunger pains, and definitely nothing that was smoke-worthy.  But I did it - I lit the damn cigarette. and stood there for a minute just holding it - I wanted it to make me violently ill.  I knew it wouldn't, and I knew the taste wouldn't be gross - if fact I have to say I really enjoy that taste - the first cigarette taste - so four drags later and I couldn't taste it.  So I poured my caffeine free coke on the cigarette and threw it away.  I was dizzy and then I immediately got a headache.  Piece of crap cigarette.  I cannot I believe I gave up 80 hours for that.  Not horrific enough to keep me from ever taking another drag - yet just poisonous enough to keep me from taking back up they NASTY addiction. Well I pretty much drank 30 ounces of water to try and flush those 4 drags out.  The nicer weather is making it difficult to remember that I don't want to ever smoke again.  God help me, and forgive me.