Thursday, April 14th *Day 24

I'm losing my mind.  I am meaner and sadder than I can ever remember.  I want to stay quit and yet I want to smoke.  I cannot handle this.  I wonder if maybe I should see someone about the anger management, and then focus on quitting.  I don't want to hurt anything, anyone or myself.  I am bawling my eyes out and I have prayed to God, and I just have to wonder if THIS is where he's trying to lead me.  I have had this problem a lot and I think smoking made it manageable, but now it's a daily occurrence.  And I don't want to live like this anymore.

Monday, April 11th *Day 21

FIVE HUNDRED FIFTEEN HOURS SMOKE FREE

Amazing.  (My thoughts as I enter the 19th hour of my next quit.) BUT - these are notes I found and as sad as they are, I'm going to post them here for reference.

BAD
freaking out
sad
crying
just want to be normal again
researching depression
can barely work

GOOD
proud of quit time
proud of NLD - don't smoke ever again
proud of times I go outside

I just cannot figure out what to do - PTA stuff/want to go get smokes and start over again but then I'm upset with myself to smoke and see anybody - guilt - UUGGHHHH - next time I don't want to tell ANYONE!  WHY?  makes it easier to relapse - Okay so I am a bitch on a quit.  I'm a bitch when I smoke.  Something is wrong with me.  At least when I'm smoking, I get two weeks energy then 2 weeks of blah.  Been quit for 3 weeks and NOTHING.  I'm worthless.  Okay let's go to that tree they are killing me - really want to move!  Oh but that's scary.  Right now I have a decent house, and decent schools, and family around, if need be.  I want to have a clean, pretty house but it's falling to shit because I don't........

......no clue where I was going on that one - freaking out about upcoming meetings AND STILL want to be quit